seven days until Christmas

So, usually by this time I start to feel excitement about upcoming holidays. I guees - not this year. Ther's no snow left, only mud. And that is also how you can call the state of my mind. Mud.

It's silly how easily I got tired of people and city I dreamd of for so long. But the city full of people seems so dead to me, all those grumpy faces just makes me want to go back to my town, and cuddle with my cat.

It's not that bad all the time, of course. Only at those moments, when everything keeps falling down from my hands, when every thought gets blown away like a little grain of sand, when even my love gets full of citys grumpy feeling.

It's not that bad. Today, at the balcony one of my neighbours showed up, and the firs thing he said was "what's wrong? You don't smoke usually" and then we had a seriuos talk. That made me happy, that made me not feel all alone.

Though this doesn't change the fact, that going to university is a great pain for me. I hate seeing all those fake-girly girls, their stupid faces, tones of make up, fake smiles, annoying loughs because of unfunny jokes, and the fact that every of them is trying to show how she's better. So what even if I also think, that I am better? At least I am not shoving my oppinion to everyone.

3 more days and I'm going back to my town. To my home. To my mom, and my cat, and my friends, and my bed. I hope I will rest. I hope I'll clean the poison of this city out of my mind, because I can feel, how it is slowly destucting my mind.

Smile, hilodays are near.

2013.12.17

Regrets and overthinking

Have you ever felt lonely in a room full of people?
And just like winding bird I an on it again. . .
Nothing much changed. People still look like strangers to me. Maybe they avoid me, because I make them uncomfortable?
It is finally December. Though it is not that cold yet, but one after another white lonely snow flakes flies down from the glorious sky to the dirty ground, destined to melt and die. That is pretty sad, though snow usually makes of happy.
Noises all around me keeps increasing and I am still sitting in silence.
I really hate memories. I hate when I accidentally see some picture in facebook. Picture with a couple in it. And then I start thinking of what could have happened with me and that person. I start to regret my silence, my fear of telling my feelings. Why at that time I didn't tell him? I guess I'll never know. And the next time I'll see a picture of him and his girlfriend I'll get that little ache in my chest, smile sadly and keep scrolling down. He could have  been mine. . .
 My heart is taken and I shouldn't act like it's not.
 I wish I wouldn't have so many regrets, but well, I guess everyone wish they wouldn't.
When silence finally wraps your ears you don't get any better. You just go around the same things in your head, only with more clear mind this time. Darkness kisses me on my forehead and says that I'm fucked up enough for today. So I just open  my eyes wide and wait for a sand man to come.

Keep running.


  2013.12.04

Drunk lonesome

Do you  know what it feels like to be outsider in any company? Because i know. And it sucks. To be the only one outside, smoking alone and wanting to be in my  bed. Or maybe to be with my  beloved one. Maybe it's only a drunk girls words, but i feel sad and really really lonely. I guess i'll never feel like i belong here. Because there's always gonna be someone more interesting or more pretty than me. I will never be important. No  one gonna miss me. No one is going to notice that i am missing. That is how life is. And i am just like that. I am not special. I wish i was sober, at my boyfriends bed. Hugging him. Feeling special at least for him.
I guess i am just helpless. Lonesome person that wants to be noticed. And that's pretty sad i guess. I don't know what am i doing with my life. It's still a start point but  i am to afraid to move.
 so what are we doing? Maybe just trying to be like everyone else, but i an not like that. I am not a regular person. I am  trying my best not to be one. I hope i will be good enough to call me a proud human being one day. For now i am just a drunk no one. Just a lonely girl sitting alone. Keeping my clothing on my body and wanting to stay this way. I guess i just need my close ones.
 keep calm.

2013.10.19

crumbs.

Well, maybe it's not so bad? You get used to different people, you get used to be lonely in some kind of way. You get used to new rhythm. You get used to listen to a lullaby singed by refrigerator in ears hurting voice every night. You get used to voices and slogans of victory yelled by lightly drunk students. You get used to loud neighbours and clogged sinks in washroom.You give a smile to a kitty, that is warming his belly in the sun, and can't stop thinking, that at least something reminds you of home. You think. Maybe it's not so bad here.

Since I'm not a present too! The city itself should hate me, because  I mannage to talk louder than all its noise. I speak so loud, so that my neighbours, who are working with drills as if they we making new dubstep hit, would hear me. I kiss my amazing one and enjoy my love without noticing anyone around me, without thinking about how I make them feel jealous and how I make their longing for their loved ones even worse. And I require attention like I'm some kind of spoiled five-year old who didn't get the sweets that he wanted.

And in the end you don't understand, if those sounds that refrigerator makes actually became music, or you just lost your mind completely. You dont give any meaning to your thoughts anymore. You waste your time until your eyes doesn't care anymore and closes, until your brains dives into the dream, as if it's paint thinner.You exist there. It exists there. I exist there.

And  you are not waiting for anything, you are not hoping for anything. Not today. You curl up into a ball. Refrigerator finaly goes silent and imaginary music stops. We are who we want to be. We throw away masks. Goodnight.


2013-09-17

what came from the tips of my fingers

well, I don't know what I was expecting. Probably, that everything will be different somehow. I thought that something would change. I thought, that I won't need to glue on that fake smile anymore, that only gives me a head ache in the end of a day. Everything was supposed to be beautiful. There should have been a lot of colors, spinning around and making you feel cheerful and dizzy at the same, like a childish joy falling out of the sky instead of rain.


Oh yes. Everything was supposed to be different. But it is what it is. And now I'm laying in my bed in a middle of a night, it doesn't matter, that I need to wake up early in a morning and go to a boring lecture. But I'm just writing my thoughts, what's on the tips of my fingers.


I just suddenly got sad, suddenly found realization. Mind blowing longing. Though, I'm not sure, if I miss certain people, or just that feeling, when you know you are with your friends, when you feel like you belong there, when you feel love and warmth around you.  And when one or another unexpected tear shows up I'm hoping, that someone would remember me at least for a second.


I don't know how to be different. I don't know how to stand out. I'm too shy just to come to someone, smile and say "hi". I know that it has been only two weeks, but I'm already starting to doubt if I'm ever going to find friends who going to like me for what I am, not for what I'm pretending to be. Friends I was dreaming about for so long.



Everything is going to be fine.




Inge.


2013/09/10