well, I don't know what I was expecting. Probably, that everything will be different somehow. I thought that something would change. I thought, that I won't need to glue on that fake smile anymore, that only gives me a head ache in the end of a day. Everything was supposed to be beautiful. There should have been a lot of colors, spinning around and making you feel cheerful and dizzy at the same, like a childish joy falling out of the sky instead of rain.
Oh yes. Everything was supposed to be different. But it is what it is. And now I'm laying in my bed in a middle of a night, it doesn't matter, that I need to wake up early in a morning and go to a boring lecture. But I'm just writing my thoughts, what's on the tips of my fingers.
I just suddenly got sad, suddenly found realization. Mind blowing longing. Though, I'm not sure, if I miss certain people, or just that feeling, when you know you are with your friends, when you feel like you belong there, when you feel love and warmth around you. And when one or another unexpected tear shows up I'm hoping, that someone would remember me at least for a second.
I don't know how to be different. I don't know how to stand out. I'm too shy just to come to someone, smile and say "hi". I know that it has been only two weeks, but I'm already starting to doubt if I'm ever going to find friends who going to like me for what I am, not for what I'm pretending to be. Friends I was dreaming about for so long.
Everything is going to be fine.
Inge.
2013/09/10
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