Lost

Hello.
Here I am.
Lost in my mind again, as I always am. You know that I don't write here, unless I am lost in my head. Cause it has tunnels, it has labyrinths, extraordinary maze, were you can get lost so so easly...
Oh God am I lost in my mind right now. I have no idea what do I want or where am I going from this point. Another existential crisis after another read book. Maybe I should stop reading? You know very well I'm not gonna.
Maybe I'm just too tired, too lost and to lonely for this life. Too sad for my own good. And I want You. And You, and You, and You, to be here with me and tell me it's allrigh.
Please?
I know I make no sense.
Dont mind me.
Cause I lost myself.
I'm sorry.
Inge.

2015.11.09 22:44

Again.

Hello. I'm here again.
Sorry, for not writing for so long.
I've been thinking about my past for a couple last days. I've been reading some old letters, from 2010 and couldnt help myself, but smile. In a way, I was completely different person back then! So full of happiness, and carelessness. I was a little sun shining back then, full of love and silly dreams. I was fifteen.
Yet, I like the way I turned out to be. Little shy, little cynical and little mad in a way. You like me also, don't you?
One of my friends recently told me, that I am the kind of person, who could achieve a lot, but is too afraid to. That's true tho. I have been told, that I could be a great leader. I know that people listen to me. Problem? Rest of the world is outside my comfort zone. And I aint leaving my warm and cozy comfort zone, I aint breaking my shell and I AM STAYING THE WAY I AM.
Sorry for not saying anything strong, like "I'm gonna change!" or "I'm gonna conquer the World". Sorry for not making any sense. If you've been with me for a long time, you have probably alredy got used to it.
I'd like to thank YOU, for actually reading my nonsenses.

Please, be strong.

Inge.

2014.10.18

Home. Thinking.

This time I might seem a little bit different. But that's OK, because I feel kinda fine today :)
For quite a long time I'm staying at home. No no, don't think anything wrong, I passed my exams and so I had 3 weeks of holidays. So I'm here, back at my hometown thinking, how wrong I was.
In a beginning of Autumn I thought, that I belong here, I had no friends in Vilnius and I was all alone, and now I sadly realize that it's kind of the same here. No one is waiting for me here, well maybe my little brother only. I'm the best friend of my own. It's strange, but I don't feel sad at all. :)
All those, who seemed to be my friends are not so important to me anymore and I dont seem to be important to them also. Probably, mostly because I left and they stayed, they kept going whit their lives and I did too. Thats normal.
One of my new friends sayed, that she feels like she changed a lot. Those words had me thinking if I changed. And you know what? I did not :) Leaving small town and moving to capital city did not leave any marks on me, I am still the same. Still a childish funny headles lazy bastard, doing what I want, saying what I want, and mostly - not giving a f**k.
While it's freezing outside I stay at home and not even tip of my nose goes outside the door. I love being at home, because there are so many places to do nothing! When the ice cold wind is tearing everything I just cuddle with my cat and a warm cup of tea. I don't feel lonely anymore. The less people there are - the less lonely I fell! Yey!
Being at home rocks!
I am fine. At least for now. :)

2014.01.29

seven days until Christmas

So, usually by this time I start to feel excitement about upcoming holidays. I guees - not this year. Ther's no snow left, only mud. And that is also how you can call the state of my mind. Mud.

It's silly how easily I got tired of people and city I dreamd of for so long. But the city full of people seems so dead to me, all those grumpy faces just makes me want to go back to my town, and cuddle with my cat.

It's not that bad all the time, of course. Only at those moments, when everything keeps falling down from my hands, when every thought gets blown away like a little grain of sand, when even my love gets full of citys grumpy feeling.

It's not that bad. Today, at the balcony one of my neighbours showed up, and the firs thing he said was "what's wrong? You don't smoke usually" and then we had a seriuos talk. That made me happy, that made me not feel all alone.

Though this doesn't change the fact, that going to university is a great pain for me. I hate seeing all those fake-girly girls, their stupid faces, tones of make up, fake smiles, annoying loughs because of unfunny jokes, and the fact that every of them is trying to show how she's better. So what even if I also think, that I am better? At least I am not shoving my oppinion to everyone.

3 more days and I'm going back to my town. To my home. To my mom, and my cat, and my friends, and my bed. I hope I will rest. I hope I'll clean the poison of this city out of my mind, because I can feel, how it is slowly destucting my mind.

Smile, hilodays are near.

2013.12.17

Regrets and overthinking

Have you ever felt lonely in a room full of people?
And just like winding bird I an on it again. . .
Nothing much changed. People still look like strangers to me. Maybe they avoid me, because I make them uncomfortable?
It is finally December. Though it is not that cold yet, but one after another white lonely snow flakes flies down from the glorious sky to the dirty ground, destined to melt and die. That is pretty sad, though snow usually makes of happy.
Noises all around me keeps increasing and I am still sitting in silence.
I really hate memories. I hate when I accidentally see some picture in facebook. Picture with a couple in it. And then I start thinking of what could have happened with me and that person. I start to regret my silence, my fear of telling my feelings. Why at that time I didn't tell him? I guess I'll never know. And the next time I'll see a picture of him and his girlfriend I'll get that little ache in my chest, smile sadly and keep scrolling down. He could have  been mine. . .
 My heart is taken and I shouldn't act like it's not.
 I wish I wouldn't have so many regrets, but well, I guess everyone wish they wouldn't.
When silence finally wraps your ears you don't get any better. You just go around the same things in your head, only with more clear mind this time. Darkness kisses me on my forehead and says that I'm fucked up enough for today. So I just open  my eyes wide and wait for a sand man to come.

Keep running.


  2013.12.04

Drunk lonesome

Do you  know what it feels like to be outsider in any company? Because i know. And it sucks. To be the only one outside, smoking alone and wanting to be in my  bed. Or maybe to be with my  beloved one. Maybe it's only a drunk girls words, but i feel sad and really really lonely. I guess i'll never feel like i belong here. Because there's always gonna be someone more interesting or more pretty than me. I will never be important. No  one gonna miss me. No one is going to notice that i am missing. That is how life is. And i am just like that. I am not special. I wish i was sober, at my boyfriends bed. Hugging him. Feeling special at least for him.
I guess i am just helpless. Lonesome person that wants to be noticed. And that's pretty sad i guess. I don't know what am i doing with my life. It's still a start point but  i am to afraid to move.
 so what are we doing? Maybe just trying to be like everyone else, but i an not like that. I am not a regular person. I am  trying my best not to be one. I hope i will be good enough to call me a proud human being one day. For now i am just a drunk no one. Just a lonely girl sitting alone. Keeping my clothing on my body and wanting to stay this way. I guess i just need my close ones.
 keep calm.

2013.10.19

crumbs.

Well, maybe it's not so bad? You get used to different people, you get used to be lonely in some kind of way. You get used to new rhythm. You get used to listen to a lullaby singed by refrigerator in ears hurting voice every night. You get used to voices and slogans of victory yelled by lightly drunk students. You get used to loud neighbours and clogged sinks in washroom.You give a smile to a kitty, that is warming his belly in the sun, and can't stop thinking, that at least something reminds you of home. You think. Maybe it's not so bad here.

Since I'm not a present too! The city itself should hate me, because  I mannage to talk louder than all its noise. I speak so loud, so that my neighbours, who are working with drills as if they we making new dubstep hit, would hear me. I kiss my amazing one and enjoy my love without noticing anyone around me, without thinking about how I make them feel jealous and how I make their longing for their loved ones even worse. And I require attention like I'm some kind of spoiled five-year old who didn't get the sweets that he wanted.

And in the end you don't understand, if those sounds that refrigerator makes actually became music, or you just lost your mind completely. You dont give any meaning to your thoughts anymore. You waste your time until your eyes doesn't care anymore and closes, until your brains dives into the dream, as if it's paint thinner.You exist there. It exists there. I exist there.

And  you are not waiting for anything, you are not hoping for anything. Not today. You curl up into a ball. Refrigerator finaly goes silent and imaginary music stops. We are who we want to be. We throw away masks. Goodnight.


2013-09-17