seven days until Christmas

So, usually by this time I start to feel excitement about upcoming holidays. I guees - not this year. Ther's no snow left, only mud. And that is also how you can call the state of my mind. Mud.

It's silly how easily I got tired of people and city I dreamd of for so long. But the city full of people seems so dead to me, all those grumpy faces just makes me want to go back to my town, and cuddle with my cat.

It's not that bad all the time, of course. Only at those moments, when everything keeps falling down from my hands, when every thought gets blown away like a little grain of sand, when even my love gets full of citys grumpy feeling.

It's not that bad. Today, at the balcony one of my neighbours showed up, and the firs thing he said was "what's wrong? You don't smoke usually" and then we had a seriuos talk. That made me happy, that made me not feel all alone.

Though this doesn't change the fact, that going to university is a great pain for me. I hate seeing all those fake-girly girls, their stupid faces, tones of make up, fake smiles, annoying loughs because of unfunny jokes, and the fact that every of them is trying to show how she's better. So what even if I also think, that I am better? At least I am not shoving my oppinion to everyone.

3 more days and I'm going back to my town. To my home. To my mom, and my cat, and my friends, and my bed. I hope I will rest. I hope I'll clean the poison of this city out of my mind, because I can feel, how it is slowly destucting my mind.

Smile, hilodays are near.

2013.12.17

Regrets and overthinking

Have you ever felt lonely in a room full of people?
And just like winding bird I an on it again. . .
Nothing much changed. People still look like strangers to me. Maybe they avoid me, because I make them uncomfortable?
It is finally December. Though it is not that cold yet, but one after another white lonely snow flakes flies down from the glorious sky to the dirty ground, destined to melt and die. That is pretty sad, though snow usually makes of happy.
Noises all around me keeps increasing and I am still sitting in silence.
I really hate memories. I hate when I accidentally see some picture in facebook. Picture with a couple in it. And then I start thinking of what could have happened with me and that person. I start to regret my silence, my fear of telling my feelings. Why at that time I didn't tell him? I guess I'll never know. And the next time I'll see a picture of him and his girlfriend I'll get that little ache in my chest, smile sadly and keep scrolling down. He could have  been mine. . .
 My heart is taken and I shouldn't act like it's not.
 I wish I wouldn't have so many regrets, but well, I guess everyone wish they wouldn't.
When silence finally wraps your ears you don't get any better. You just go around the same things in your head, only with more clear mind this time. Darkness kisses me on my forehead and says that I'm fucked up enough for today. So I just open  my eyes wide and wait for a sand man to come.

Keep running.


  2013.12.04