crumbs.

Well, maybe it's not so bad? You get used to different people, you get used to be lonely in some kind of way. You get used to new rhythm. You get used to listen to a lullaby singed by refrigerator in ears hurting voice every night. You get used to voices and slogans of victory yelled by lightly drunk students. You get used to loud neighbours and clogged sinks in washroom.You give a smile to a kitty, that is warming his belly in the sun, and can't stop thinking, that at least something reminds you of home. You think. Maybe it's not so bad here.

Since I'm not a present too! The city itself should hate me, because  I mannage to talk louder than all its noise. I speak so loud, so that my neighbours, who are working with drills as if they we making new dubstep hit, would hear me. I kiss my amazing one and enjoy my love without noticing anyone around me, without thinking about how I make them feel jealous and how I make their longing for their loved ones even worse. And I require attention like I'm some kind of spoiled five-year old who didn't get the sweets that he wanted.

And in the end you don't understand, if those sounds that refrigerator makes actually became music, or you just lost your mind completely. You dont give any meaning to your thoughts anymore. You waste your time until your eyes doesn't care anymore and closes, until your brains dives into the dream, as if it's paint thinner.You exist there. It exists there. I exist there.

And  you are not waiting for anything, you are not hoping for anything. Not today. You curl up into a ball. Refrigerator finaly goes silent and imaginary music stops. We are who we want to be. We throw away masks. Goodnight.


2013-09-17

what came from the tips of my fingers

well, I don't know what I was expecting. Probably, that everything will be different somehow. I thought that something would change. I thought, that I won't need to glue on that fake smile anymore, that only gives me a head ache in the end of a day. Everything was supposed to be beautiful. There should have been a lot of colors, spinning around and making you feel cheerful and dizzy at the same, like a childish joy falling out of the sky instead of rain.


Oh yes. Everything was supposed to be different. But it is what it is. And now I'm laying in my bed in a middle of a night, it doesn't matter, that I need to wake up early in a morning and go to a boring lecture. But I'm just writing my thoughts, what's on the tips of my fingers.


I just suddenly got sad, suddenly found realization. Mind blowing longing. Though, I'm not sure, if I miss certain people, or just that feeling, when you know you are with your friends, when you feel like you belong there, when you feel love and warmth around you.  And when one or another unexpected tear shows up I'm hoping, that someone would remember me at least for a second.


I don't know how to be different. I don't know how to stand out. I'm too shy just to come to someone, smile and say "hi". I know that it has been only two weeks, but I'm already starting to doubt if I'm ever going to find friends who going to like me for what I am, not for what I'm pretending to be. Friends I was dreaming about for so long.



Everything is going to be fine.




Inge.


2013/09/10